


the case of the criminal chaperones

by hito



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, M/M, nancy drew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-11-10 01:01:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hito/pseuds/hito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is Nancy Drew. Derek is only a little bit worried about this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the case of the criminal chaperones

**Author's Note:**

> I should *not* watch kids' movies on a Sunday afternoon. How so adorbs, Emma Roberts?

Stiles pulls up in front of the Sheriff's office in his blue Jeep just after Deputy Billings hauls Derek out of the back of his cruiser. 

"Deputy Billings!" Stiles calls, but the deputy ignores him, hustling Derek inside so quickly Stiles would almost think he was being avoided, if that weren't utterly ridiculous. "Deputy!" 

Stiles scrambles to catch up, bouncing off the doorframe on his way in, rebounding into the reception counter, into Derek, who shoves him off, and finally into a pair of arms. 

"Hey, Dad!" he says, pleased. "What are you doing here?" 

"What do you think I'm doing here, Stiles?" his dad asks, in a tone of voice Stiles does not choose to acknowledge as appropriate. "Your friend here got arrested again, and Billings called me in because--why did you call me in, Billings?" 

"Because your son was at the scene of the crime, Sheriff," Billings tells him, then releases Derek, holds his hands up, and backs speedily away. 

"There was no crime, Dad," Stiles protests. "I just needed to take a gander at the school's enrollment records, and the secretary was not being very helpful at all, so I enlisted Derek to help me out, there was no _crime_ \--" 

"Breaking and entering, Stiles, really?" Stiles sputters a denial, but his dad forges ahead over his half-formed words. "And you, Hale. You are twenty-one years old, and you should not be on school premises even _during_ opening hours." 

"Dad!" Stiles says. "Remember how I told you the new girl, Kate, was giving me really creepy vibes?" 

"I do, but I don't care--" 

"She's twenty- _seven_ , dad, and she's enrolled as a _sophomore _\--"__

"Stiles--" His dad cuts him off, but then stops and does a double-take. 

"What's your explanation for that?" 

They all look at each other while Stiles' dad attempts to come up with one. 

"And her name is Argent, right, which is the same surname as the new secretary! There is some kind of conspiracy afoot, I am telling you!" 

"You couldn't have talked him out of this?" his dad asks Derek, who shrugs. 

"Stiles," his dad says, "I will look into this in the morning if you promise to _stop sleuthing_! And you!" He rounds on Derek. "If your sister wouldn't cause more trouble than you are worth I would hold you overnight. I _will_ have you arrested the next time you set foot on school property." 

Stiles grabs Derek's arm and backs towards the door. "Thanks, Dad! Appreciate it!" 

"Werewolves," his dad mutters. "Worse than lawyers for making trouble." 

"That's speciesist," Stiles says, though it pains him. 

"And his curfew was ten minutes ago!" his dad reminds Derek wearily. 

"Understood, sir," Derek says, and once they're out the doors and out of sight, he lifts Stiles by the scruff of his neck, carries him back to the Jeep, and deposits him there with a warning snarl. 

But he trails Stiles all the way home and idles outside until he locks the door, so he can't be too mad. 

*

The next day, Stiles is sitting at lunch with his best friend Scott, relating the night's events. 

"His hair was very spiky," Stiles tells him. "I think it responds to his mood." 

"You think Derek anticipates your shenanigans and styles his hair accordingly?" 

"No, I think it's anthropomorphic," Stiles is explaining when a tall girl with dark hair slams her lunch tray onto their table and stares down at them with folded arms and a haughtily pissy expression. 

"Why did you get my mom fired and my aunt expelled?" she demands flatly. 

"Who are you?" Stiles asks. 

"I go here too," she's saying as Scott breathes, "Allison," and the table stares at him like the weirdo he is. Not the actual table: Stiles' belief in anthropomorphism does not extend that far. 

"I'm Allison Argent," she tells Stiles. "And you got my mom fired!" 

"She shouldn't have enrolled your old-age-pensioner aunt in school if she wanted to hang onto her job." 

"Did you get Allison's mom fired?" Scott asks, sounding totally betrayed. 

"Were you listening to my story at all?" 

"It was about Derek's hair, I can only take a certain amount of--" 

"It was _not_ about Derek's hair," Stiles is protesting when Allison says, "My aunt never graduated high school, okay, it isn't her fault the family has always moved around so much--" 

"But _you_ somehow made it out of middle school," Stiles says. " _You're_ not stupid enough to get held back, so I don't see why your aunt gets to use that excuse." 

"Is it weird to be in the same grade as your aunt?" Scott asks, like he's trying to start a conversation. 

"I'm seventeen," Allison says flintily, picks up her tray, and storms off. 

"Older women are hot!" Scott calls after her, but she just throws him a dubious look and keeps walking away. 

"Flame _out_ ," Stiles says sympathetically, repressing his schadenfreude heroically. 

"Like you can talk," Scott says grumpily. "Hanging around the pack all day trying to make time with Derek." 

"I am not," Stiles blusters. "I am just taking an interest in such an important aspect of my best friend's life!" 

"Nobody buys that, dude," Scott says, wry. "We are all unfortunately _werewolves_. We can tell what you're into, and it isn't any aspect of my life." 

When Stiles deflates like a popped balloon, Scott does bus his tray in apology, but it doesn't really make up for the unwelcome revelation. 

*

The next time Stiles sees Derek he's in the process of attempting to enter the Argent house by the bathroom window. Usually he would have called Derek to help him out with something like this, but he was too embarrassed to ask. He doesn't know what Derek thinks he's really been asking for all this time, and it shouldn't matter, because it isn't true, but somehow it does. 

It mostly isn't true. Derek has always been of _great_ assistance in Stiles' investigations. 

When Derek grabs his shirt-collar and yanks him off the wall, Stiles can't meet his eyes. 

"You shouldn't be here," Derek says. 

" _You_ shouldn't be here," Stiles says. "I have a _reason_. Why are you here?" 

"I have a reason too!" Derek protests. "Scott told me what you were planning!" 

Stiles can't help feeling warmed by that. 

"Well since you're here you can help," Stiles tells him. 

"No," Derek says. "These people are dangerous--" 

Stiles dives through the open window. 

Derek catches up to him while he's hunting through Allison Argent's underwear drawer. Stiles is glad Derek wasn't here for Kate's drawer: some of those things were _scandalously_ lacy. 

Stiles doesn't come up with anything here, either. 

"Where else do women hide things if not in with their smalls?" Stiles asks, at a loss. "If my mother had been around when I was growing up, I feel sure she would have educated me on these matters." 

Derek's mouth is hanging open. "Do you?" he asks eventually. 

"A boy really needs a mom," Stiles says sadly. "The lack of one has left such a gap in my knowledge." 

" _Really_ ," Derek says, sounding baffled. 

"Hey," Stiles realises, "You have a mom! Where does she hide stuff?" 

"She used to hide things inside my brother's violin," Derek says, "and she probably still does, since they brought it to New York with them, since there's no point going to music school if you're going to leave your instrument behind--" 

"None of the Argents play anything," Stiles tells him. "Try again." 

"Did you try Mrs Argent's underwear drawer?" Derek asks reluctantly. 

"I didn't really want to," Stiles says. "That felt like crossing some kind of line." 

" _That_ did," Derek says disbelievingly. 

"But you're here now!" Stiles says happily. "You can do it!" 

"I really can't," Derek protests, but he can and does. 

"Nothing!" Stiles bewails. "There has to be somewhere else." 

Derek has plenty of other ideas, but they have no luck in the freezer, the washing machine, or the rice jar. 

"Did you eat the rice after your mom used it to store secrets?" Stiles asks. 

"Obviously," Derek says, before leading the way out to the garage and tracking down the toolbox. 

"Whoa," Stiles says. 

"Why does Mrs Argent have pictures of my uncle in with her tools?" Derek asks. 

Then a car pulls up and the garage door starts beeping as it raises. 

"Oh, no!" Stiles says. 

"I'm going to get arrested again, aren't I." It isn't a question. 

"Not officially!" Stiles excuses. "It's never on the books, because then they'd have to arrest me too." 

"Not making me feel better." 

"Quick, hide!" 

Stiles shoves Derek behind the workbench. 

"This is such a good hiding place," Derek says as the car rolls inside. "Totally undetectable." 

"Shut up," Stiles says. "I didn't see you coming up with anything better." 

Two car doors open and shut. 

"This is such a lovely garage," Scott says wonderingly. 

"My parents won't be back until after dinner," Allison says sensibly, which is good, because one of them should be. "My dad uses the garage to store his guns and my mom does her woodworking out here. That's why they had the extra lighting installed. It is nice, right?" 

"Oh," Scott says, voice getting nearer. "That's--interesting." 

"That's what's interesting?" Allison asks teasingly, right on top of them. 

This suddenly seems like a very skimpy hiding-place, so Stiles pushes closer to Derek, who grabs him and hauls him into his lap when he almost crashes into the bench. Allison is sitting on it now, so Stiles is pretty sure she would've noticed. 

"Thanks," Stiles mouths, and Derek's eyes stay on his lips after he's finished speaking. 

"Oh, no," Scott says. 

"What?" Allison asks, alarmed. 

"Nothing," Scott says. "I recognise that smell!" 

"My perfume?" 

"No," Scott says, anguished. "Though that is a pretty scent." 

"Thanks," Allison says, and then Stiles hears a sound he thinks might be a kiss. 

Stiles is pretty sure he should be figuring out what's going on out there, but there's too much going on in here for him to spare the attention; in his racing breath and pounding heart; in Derek's wide, dark eyes; in the warmth of Derek's shoulder under Stiles' hand as he leans forward and-- 

"Stiles!" Scott yelps. 

"Stiles?" Allison asks, puzzled, and then, delicately, "Your friend? Are you--" 

"No! He's here!" 

Scott shoves away the workbench, Allison still sitting on it, and when it spins to a stop she's facing Stiles and Derek. 

"Hello," she says sharply. "Why the hell are you lurking in my garage?" 

*

"My family haven't hunted werewolves since '98," Allison says again. "Not since the laws changed. Now we work as intermediaries in the ongoing--" 

"Do you actually believe that," Stiles says. "Your dad keeps an arsenal in your garage." 

"He's a member of the NRA!" Allison says. "That doesn't mean anything! He likes guns!" 

"And your mom likes keeping pictures of Derek's uncle in the bottom of her toolbox," Stiles tells her. "Explain that." 

"You broke into my house," Allison says, flustered. "I don't have to explain anything. And if you don't leave right this second I'm going to tell your dad about this, Stiles!" 

They leave. 

"Me too?" Scott protests for the hundredth time. 

Allison's expression is tragic, but she slams the door in Scott's face just the same. 

"Stiles!" Scott bemoans. "This is all your fault!" 

Derek is pressed against Stiles' side, so Stiles isn't really listening to anything anybody is saying until Derek asks, "Do we have to give him a ride home now?" 

"No," says Stiles. "You walked, right?" 

"Ran." 

"He can too." 

"I'm not walking!" Scott says, outraged, and Stiles would disagree, but Scott bolts for the Jeep before he gets the chance. 

"I'll drop you home first?" Stiles offers. 

"Fine," Derek agrees, but he doesn't sound happy about it. 

*

"What's this I hear about you breaking into the Argent place?" his dad asks when he gets home. 

"Allison lies," Stiles tells him. "She let us in and then got worried her parents wouldn't like her dating a werewolf." 

"Allison didn't tell me," his dad says, "Derek and I talk," and, "Derek is dating the Argent girl? Really?" 

"No!" Stiles says, appalled. "Why would you even think that? Scott is dating Allison. And why are you talking to Derek? _Disallowed_ , Dad. Disallowed!" 

"Scott is dating the Argent girl? Really?" 

"What's wrong with Allison?" Stiles asks, sleuthy senses tingling. 

"Nothing is wrong with _Allison_ ," his dad says. "And of course I talk to your boyfriend, what kind of dad do you think I am?" 

"He isn't my boyfriend!" Stiles says. "What do you talk about? What does he say about me?" 

"I--would be very relieved to hear that," his dad says slowly, "since in my head you will always be six years old. But I'm not the one you should be talking to about this." 

"What!" Stiles demands frantically. "Tell me!" 

"No," his dad says. "And you pull one more stunt like this and you're grounded." 

Stiles has never actually been grounded, but he has heard tales of such things from Scott, so he doesn't argue. 

"I am retreating to my bedroom to go over the evidence in private," Stiles says with dignity. 

" _Uh_ -huh," his dad says knowingly. "Or you could just ask Derek." 

"Evidence of the _case_ ," Stiles says, and flees. 

*

"My mom says she hasn't seen Uncle Peter in a decade either," Derek tells Stiles the next day, standing outside Stiles' favourite burger joint as Stiles sucks down the last of his milkshake. Derek never gets a milkshake himself, because he has no love of fun or joy. 

"He's in Beacon Hills," Stiles says. "That's the drive-in sign behind his head here." 

"I don't know why we haven't seen him, then," Derek says. "Laura became alpha of the pack when our parents moved away, and although he's still technically a member of the pack he's supposed to report to her when entering our territory." 

"I don't know why we haven't been to the drive-in since forever," Stiles complains, and then suggests, "Maybe he knew he'd brought hunters with him and didn't want to make her angry." 

"He should have warned her if that were the case," Derek disagrees. 

"Maybe he was worried she'd kill him just to get the hunters off your back." 

"The hunters haven't been bothering us," Derek protests. "And Laura wouldn't kill our uncle." 

"You said you didn't know him very well, though," Stiles says. "And you have plenty of family. It's not like she'd miss him!" 

"Stiles," Derek says disapprovingly, but Stiles is distracted by the flash of oncoming lights. The glare is blinding in his eyes, and then Derek's body hits his hard, sending them tumbling to the ground, rolling roughly across the concrete as rubber screeches beside Stiles' head. 

"Holy crap!" Stiles says, dazed, scrambling to his feet unsteadily. "They tried to kill us!" 

"That was a murder attempt, yes," Derek says gravely. "This is getting too hairy for you to be involved in, Stiles." 

"You know what that means!" Stiles says, thrilled. "We're getting close to the truth! We're closing in on them!" 

"I don't think that's the vital point here," Derek says. 

"You can disagree with me all you like," Stiles allows generously. "As long as you don't tell my dad about any of this." 

"Closing in on who?" Derek asks, and Stiles is glad he's already kind of distracted by his near-death experience and Derek's proximity, because it lets him pretend to be too distracted to focus on the question. 

*

"What car does your mom drive?" he asks Allison in school the next day. 

She ignores him. 

"No, seriously," he presses. "This could exculpate her totally and clear her name!" 

"Her name does not need to be cleared," Allison says, irritated. "Isn't it enough you've forced my aunt into the job market in this economy and forced me to stop seeing your friend? Do you _hate_ me?" 

"I didn't force you to do anything," Stiles denies. "If you'd given Scott the chance he'd have taken your side over mine." 

"Not the point," Allison says, but she looks like she might be swayed. 

"Is is a dark red SUV?" Stiles asks. 

"It's a silver Lexus," Allison says. 

"Oh," Stiles says, disappointed. 

"Are you going to leave me alone now?" 

"I'd really like it if you'd phone Scott," he says, before he does. "All his whining about you is distracting me from my own romantic issues, and I think I might need to be able to focus on them soon." 

"You have a romance to have issues with?" Allison asks. 

"I'm insulted by your scepticism," Stiles says huffily, and it's a little bit true, but she smiles at him and shares her notes, so it might be a little bit worth it too. 

*

"It isn't Mrs Argent!" Stiles tells Derek later that day, outside the Hale place. "Does your uncle drive a dark red SUV? There'd be damage to the passenger side door that would help identify it." 

"Why do I have to keep telling you I haven't seen my uncle in ten years?" 

"Your family is so close," Stiles says. "I just find that really difficult to believe." 

"I'm not _lying_ to you," Derek says, frustrated. 

"I don't think you're lying." 

"You do! I wouldn't lie to you." 

"Okay," Stiles says, kind of breathless. "Why would your uncle be returning to Beacon Hills now?" 

"I don't really care," Derek says. He's looming over Stiles, but Stiles doesn't feel very threatened. 

"Why would he return to his old stomping-ground and not acknowledge the new alpha?" Stiles wonders aloud, but he isn't really expecting an answer, because Derek is very close to him now and he has one hand on Stiles' hip and one on his back, and his head is tipping down as Stiles' is tilting up-- "And why did you let my dad think you were my boyfriend?" 

\--and Derek freezes. 

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Stiles asks, and he'll deny that's hope in his voice until his dying day. Unless Derek does. 

"Are you saying I'm _not_?" Derek asks, drawing away. 

"Wait--" Stiles says, incredulous, fingers tightening on Derek's leather jacket. "You think you _are_? I thought my dad was teasing me!" 

"I don't think he'd have let me assist you on your last eleven cases if he didn't think my intentions were--" 

"You have to tell me things like this!" Stiles interrupts, outraged. "We could've been having so much more fun! Well, maybe not _more_ fun, because partnering with a boy like you on successful criminal investigations is the most fun it is _possible_ to have, but we could have been having different, additional fun!" 

"Let's do that now," Derek suggests, and Stiles is pulling Derek down when he hears the screech of a car speeding around the corner. 

Peter Hale is sitting behind the wheel as the red SUV barrels towards them, and Derek is still leaning towards Stiles, so Stiles knocks him out of the path of the rampaging vehicle. 

"It's your uncle!" Stiles cries triumphantly, as the SUV crashes into the side of the house and werewolves begin to spill out onto the lawn. "Your uncle is evil!" 

"He wants to become alpha," Derek says, lifting Stiles to his feet and pushing him aside. "He needs to kill Laura and me first." 

"Wait!" Stiles says, as Derek steps past him, towards Peter, staggering out of the smashed car. "You mean somebody _wasn't_ trying to kill _me_?" 

"I would happily have killed you _too_ , if it had been necessary," Peter informs him smoothly. "But I'd rather turn you instead." 

"Permission denied!" Stiles yells, honestly alarmed for the first time. 

"I don't think he's obeying the letter of the law, here," Laura says, coming to stand beside Derek, the rest of their pack a throng around them, rumbling and growing riotous, and that's when the silver Lexus tears into the clearing and the Argent women jump out with their crossbows. 

"I am not supporting this," Allison tells Stiles faintly. 

"And yet you're _here_ ," he says. 

"My mom made me!" 

That's a fair point. "My dad makes me do stupid stuff too," Stiles says sympathetically. 

"Allison!" Scott yells, coming out of the house dressed only in a towel. 

"No nudity!" Laura yells at him, sounding seriously annoyed. "Humans hate that!" 

"Why do we care what humans hate?" Peter shouts. "We hate humans!" 

He doesn't seem to have the crowd. 

"Allison!" Scott yells again. "This is dangerous! You shouldn't be here!" 

Allison's crossbow is hanging limp in her grasp, but a little colour returns to her face at that. 

"I can take care of myself," she snaps, and the crossbow lifts and steadies on her aunt. "Stop pointing that thing at my boyfriend, please. This isn't really how I wanted you to greet him." 

"Seriously?" Kate's weapon drops as she swings around to face Allison. "I told you we should have inducted her earlier!" she whispers furiously at Allison's mother, and Allison frowns at the fusillade of low-voiced arguing that ensues. 

"Can we go home now?" she asks hopelessly. 

"No!" they shout, and go back to fighting amongst themselves. They don't seem to notice when she slips over to Scott. 

"I challenge the status of Laura Hale," Uncle Peter says. "And then that of Derek Hale, and then anybody who thinks they can take me after they see what I leave behind." 

Stiles' hand tightens on Derek's. He doesn't even know when they started holding hands. Derek tries to step forward, to step away, and Stiles pulls him back. 

"Derek," Stiles says, ignoring the catch in his voice, and Derek is just about to kiss him, finally, _finally_ , when the siren wails and the cruisers join the mess in the clearing. 

"Oh," Stiles says vaguely. "I saw a red SUV with damage to the front panel loitering on the road outside, so I phoned my dad before I knocked for you." 

"Great," Derek says, pulling away. "I didn't really _want_ to kill my uncle." 

Stiles' dad is climbing out of his car, and there's a lot going on right now, but somehow his dad is still looking askance at Stiles' hand, curled inside Derek's. 

"Curfew!" his dad calls. 

"It's six thirty!" Stiles protests. 

"Go home or get grounded!" his dad yells decisively, so Stiles does. 

*

"Allison's going to stick around with her dad," Scott is telling him happily when Derek shows up outside school the next afternoon. "Because her mom and her aunt are probably going to be interned locally, so they can visit them, plus her dad has a job here already, and in this economy--" 

"Derek," Stiles says. 

"No, Allison," Scott says, frowning. 

"No, _Derek_ ," Stiles says, reaching out and turning Scott's head. 

"Oh, Derek," Scott says. "I'm just going to--go and--" He jerks his thumb over his shoulder and vanishes. 

"Thanks!" Stiles calls after him, honestly grateful. "Hey, there. Didn't my dad threaten to have you arrested the next time you set foot on--" 

Derek cuts him off with a kiss. It's more fun than talking. It might even be more fun than sleuthing, though Stiles will never admit to that. 

And when Deputy Billings sees Derek and Stiles necking on the steps of the school, he does in fact pull Derek in again, but Stiles doesn't mind, because at least he got a little action out of it this time.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] The Case Of The Criminal Chaperones](https://archiveofourown.org/works/496324) by [dodificus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dodificus/pseuds/dodificus)




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